Where was I? Oh right…my dawning realization that where I was and who I was with, were completely wrong. Motherhood is strange that way. The effect it has on you is different for everyone, and for me, it woke me up. The daze I was in lifted like a veil and suddenly I couldn’t get out fast enough, while also feeling the weight of guilt and doubt that threatened to drown me – the gaslighting didn’t stop. In fact, it was at an all time high during those final days. Looking back, I’m really not even sure how I didn’t change my mind and just stay. I think it was because I was so miserable that no matter how bad it would be on the other side, I knew it was worse where I was. The other force driving me was my desire to create a better life for my son.
I’ve talked to many other women since I made the leap to the big D, and they all say the same thing, “I was done”. Such a simple sentiment and one that if you’ve ever been there, you can feel and it resonates with you too. When you’re done, that means it’s over. Move on and take the leap. I know I’m making it sound simple here. In reality the tactical parts of unraveling your life are tense, awkward, and can be contentious. I knew what I was in for, but some of his behaviors and actions still shocked me…and hurt my feelings if I’m honest. It bothered me that he could still hurt me. Just because you divorce, it doesn’t mean you become exempt from angry texts and rants! The fun continues and it becomes even more harsh. Particularly when I was happy or showed that I was doing too well. Those first few years were rough. Here’s another little nugget for you. Did you know that many women who come out of relationships like this have a higher risk of developing autoimmune diseases due to the chronic stress and trauma? These issues started hitting me like from all sides. The second I could breath again, my body decided that was the time to let me know (loud and clear) that my nervous system was dysregulated so long that there were many parts of my health that could no longer be ignored. Welcome to the next almost decade of my adult life. Sinus infections, strep, migraines/headaches, gut issues, UTI’s, herpes and other fun things seemingly attacked all at the same time.
That was a little dramatic. They did all happen but more like one after another. Everyone tells you to relax. It’s just stress. Don’t listen to that crap. Your body is talking to you and if you ignore it, it just gets louder and keeps trying to communicate with you until eventually you can’t eat gluten. That’s what happened in my case anyway. Did I mention that while my body was systematically shutting down I met the love of my life? If you’re wondering what his reaction was to all of this unplanned fun, it was perfect. He never missed a beat. Multiple outbreaks month after month? Recurrent UTI’s? Fatigue and weight gain (even though I barely ate)? Unrelenting support is all I received. Picture a wounded animal that snaps at every nice gesture or kind word. I’m not sure how he did it. It all came to a crescendo when they told me I could go septic without IV antibiotics because I had contracted a rare bacteria that all the oral antibiotics couldn’t kill. Why did it take so long to get this diagnosis? Not every doctor was a straight A student and none of them are taught to find and fix the root cause. Never mind that, I’m still grateful someone finally figured it out. After 2 weeks on an IV, with my new boyfriend helping to fill the IV daily with meds, one of the doctors I was seeing had the enlightened suggestion to check my gut health since I had been on antibiotics for a year. This harmless suggestion is what led us to the discovery that I nearly developed Celiac disease. Literally everything in my diet was making me sick. The almost constant stomach upset and nausea that I was trying to fix with pretzels and crackers were only making it worse.
That my friends is how we got here. Now let’s get into more fun stuff…
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